Funny Carnage
by Royaldark
Summary: The life in between no Sasuke and Sasuke. It's all effed up either way, but I rather have the life with Sasuke. M content, warnings inside


Disclaimer: M. Kishimoto has claim over Naruto, not me.

Warning: Sex, Violence, swearing, and unedited content.

Chapter 1: _My past isn't "__messed up", it's "interesting.__"_

Two old men sit on a porch in a Japanese style house. One is drinking green tea and reading the newspaper. The other is eating dango.

The old man reading has a pair of glasses perched on his nose. They are not fashionable, but instead practical in the strictest sense. Square and black rimmed, they emphasize his stern expression and the heavy lines beneath his eyes. His eyes are a dark brown though they appear almost black. Like his hair, there are gray where the cataracts are beginning to form. He might need to get surgery for that later.

Sitting next to the glasses wearing man is another man about relatively the same age. He is wearing a casual orange shirt and sweats. A complete contrast to his companion's dark navy robes. The fabric loose against his thin frame, this old man has a deeply tanned face and what must once have been beautiful blonde hair in his youth. It's lost a bit of its luster, though the uncontrollable volume is still present. His eyes are brilliant blue, and the skin on the corner of those eyes is lined with years of happiness and laughter. Even now as he eats his dango, they crinkle even deeper in the quiet peace of this warm spring evening.

Naruto couldn't believe how lucky he was despite never really being lucky in life.

When Naruto was born, his mother held him with all her love in her arms. When Naruto was one year old, his mother held him with the last of that love as she took her last breath. Her green eyes spilled tears on his baby skin, and she cried to have died this young. Her husband who lay among a sea of glass meters away was long gone. His body crumpled and withered like a wrung out rag. With her own body slightly better, but not enough to be saved, Naruto's mother watched with anguish as her baby bawled and her limbs stiffened. She died with a broken heart and bleeding organs thinking how cruel this world was.

Growing up in a badly run orphanage, Naruto cried constantly. He was naturally an expressive child and had too much energy for anyone to handle. The incompetent adults who ran the orphanage labeled Naruto as "difficult" and left him alone in his misery instead of comforting him. Even the children, who yearned for their caretaker's attention, learned to shun the boy. With no one to help him, Naruto grew up in an unstable world. He was distrustful, hateful, and violent. The only friend he had was a stray cat that secretly loitered around the bushes in the courtyard.

Stealing a carton of milk from breakfast to bring outside, Naruto fed his friend among the thick leaves and scratchy branches. When he went back into the house, the adults would yell at him for getting dirty. They would pelt him with sticks and belts, but Naruto didn't care. All he wanted was to keep meeting his friend.

One day, the little black cat didn't come. Naruto waited many days, and it didn't come. It just disappeared. And though it was likely the cat had died or was adopted, Naruto was somehow convinced it was because it too, had come to hate him…Just like everyone else. The day he acknowledged this, Naruto didn't mourn. He just crutched beneath the bushes, same place as always, and stared with blank eyes at nothing.

Because his life was nothing, and he was nothing.

At first the people who supervised the children were mystified and glad that Naruto had quieted down and begun to "behave properly", as they liked to call it. Many months passed, and Naruto would live like a ghost. He still ate, bathed, and pooped, but everything he did had no motivation or will to it. The adults eventually became uneasy about this lifeless child and begun to avoid him even more. The children too, did the same.

Near the end of his sixth birthday, a social worker came to investigate the orphanage. No one knew he was coming, and the caretakers didn't have the time to clean up or tell the children to shut up and "act happy". The social worker's name was Iruka, and to this day he still shudders about that horrible place.

"_It was a complete wreck. One of the worst I've ever seen in my life. The adults were frauds, and the children, the poor children. They were like caged animals_." he would reminisce with an angry intonation, but just as soon, his eyes would water. "_And there was this boy there, no older than six. He was like the rest of the children, sad and scared, but he…he had no hope like the others. There was just emptiness."_

Iruka came about Naruto in the most ordinary way. Walking through the courtyard through the clusters of frightened children playing outside, the man saw the small back of a child sitting by himself on the swings. His attention was unfocused, and when Iruka walked up to the boy, he didn't acknowledge him at all. It was as if Iruka didn't exist. The man looked concernedly at the child, and when he gently asked the mysterious child for his name, he noticed a bruise on his small forehead. Most children if hit, defended themselves, so they had visible marks on their hands or arms. This boy had a glaring whip right on his face for all to see.

Without another word, Iruka left the place and drove away. Within a year, the sham orphanage was shut down and the children reallocated to different medical institutions.

It took a long time for Naruto to recover, and in a way, he never did. Even after years of therapy, re socialization, and now with Iruka's love, Naruto was always hiding a part of himself. As he grew up, the boy learned to make friends and keep them, but there was always doubt in his mind. He was afraid to lose. He didn't take well with authority figures and his grades dropped to the low percentiles. Naruto was reckless, brash, destructive, bad-mouthed. He was also kind, generous and loyal. The people who were friends were Naruto, they knew how rare it was to have someone so simplistically honest in their lives and they were willingly to protect the boy no matter what. If it meant beating up a couple of weak teenagers, or harassing a few teachers, it was no sweat because they were true to the earth hard-core gangsters.

At age thirteen, Naruto joined a neighborhood organization. He was a runner, or errand boy. For the first time in his whole life, Naruto felt like he was one of the gang. The other guys in the group were older than him, and like any brotherhood, they took Naruto under their wing. They did everything together. They ate together, fought together, and even pissed together.

They taught Naruto to fight. To defend himself and never back down. "Take shit from nobody" so to speak. Naruto toughened up, and in time, he was one of the best hits in the group. Though he was weak to guard his face and incapable of beating any of his older brothers, everyone knew Naruto's fist was all it took to win. One strike was all it took to bust teeth, dislocate jaws, and have opponents vomiting their meals at his feet. You see, Naruto's favorite spot wasn't the head, groin or inner heels, it was the solar plexus. The center of the body, more the heart than the actual heart, the concentrated network of nerves that could bring monsters to their knees was where Naruto took his pleasure. He liked to hear the severing of air, and through his fist, he could feel the victory and pain entwined.

It was perverse, and the brothers laughed at the twisted innocence of Naruto's logic.

Fights were of course frequent, and Naruto joined every single one. He reveled in this new definition of life, and thrilled in the iron bars that shook the night as the gang trolled the streets. It was by pure luck and smart stupidity that Iruka never found out. Naruto was never arrested and his face wasn't identified once. This was in part due to the knitted beanies, and hooded bandanas that marked Naruto's brotherhood. It was the brotherhood of slums, because out of all the gangs in their shabby part of town, Naruto's was the smallest and most unmemorable. Everyone in his group was quite young and mostly just imitating the real mobsters in the big city. They were the lowest of the lowest in their class, and the middle ranks barked at their puny attempts to stir trouble.

In truth, nothing was real. It was a con just like the orphanage. Naruto might have realized this, but he was having too much fun beating up people and stealing to notice otherwise. To him, having a place where he belonged, where his brothers joked with him and bestowed him the nickname "dumb fox", that was all he needed to construct his brutal fairy tales. The kids at school were also afraid of him, and Naruto took delight in this. When he sneered, they jumped. Every. Single. Time.

Fifteen and still a hoodlum, everything remained the same. Stealing, badgering classmates, fighting, and then suddenly, a whole new kind of crime emerged for Naruto.

Sex had come into the picture.

When Naruto was thirteen, he was scrawny and a little shy. Three years surrounded by raging testosterone aka his older brothers, and three years of confidence boosting, fighting, and grocery robbing did the boy wonders. The brothers began to tease Naruto for being a "girly boy" even though he wasn't the least bit feminine. He just was compared to everyone else in the muscle headed group. And really, he did stand out. Wearing his standard black school uniform among the backdrop of huddled brothers (because they were in high school _still_), Naruto almost appeared charming. He was lean, lanky, and _blonde_. A very atypical trait considering where they lived.

The important thing was, the girls began to notice, and so did Naruto.

In the hallways, they with their long legs and swaying hips in pleated skirts, Naruto wanted them. He wanted it. But what was _it_?

Be mindful that Naruto was young, inexperienced, and didn't come in contact with girls unless he was belittling them from faraway. The mention of "_it" _and actually meaning do "_it"_ made his ears hot from the unmanly embarrassment. He was reluctant to ask his brothers, never mind his teachers and no way in hell Iruka, so who was he to ask about the so-called secrets of the flesh?

Naruto pondered this as he eyed the young ladies of his school. Their breasts full under their blouses, and it wasn't long before the biological necessities took over his hesitant coyness. Naruto was going to have sex gosh darn it!

" '_Bout time idiot_" was the smug response from his brothers. With a determined and very red face, Naruto listened and mentally wrote down the advice his gang gave him.

"_First off, wear a condom. At all times. Here I'll give you some right now. Second, doesn't matter what the girl looks like, if she's poisonous down there, don't touch her. That shits for life. And if anything looks suspicious, bubbly or slimy, get the fuck out of there. I can't emphasize enough how important that is. Third, hmm…third, is there a third?"_

"_Man, you don't know shit fuck, and stop scratching her nasty ass balls. Naruto, listen to me, Right now, you're in what, first year?" _Nods.** "**_So there's a bunch of hot ass bitches you want to fuck right?" _Nods._ "How about the hottest girl in school? Or her friends? You want to lay down that all that shit right?" _**Nods Eagerly**._ "Well, since you came to me, I will give you the best fucking piece of advice I will ever give you"._

"_What's that brother?"_

"_Forget about the dumb bitches at your school, what you need is an older woman. Think about it. Those girls just like you. Don't know dick from shit just like ball scratcher here." _Points to ball scratcher_. "For you, an older woman who's been around the block will seem like goddamin heaven. Hell, she can even teach you a few things. So forget about those high school chicks, reach deeper into the pot and go fuck some cougar pussy. You got that?"_

Nods.

"_Good, now go get 'em ya piece of virgin shit"_

Virgin. Not a virgin. Penis in. Penis out.

Naruto went into the hotel with her, and he came out without her. The only way Naruto could describe her was nice. She wasn't attractive in the least, and her breasts hung lower then he thought when he first saw her; but she was experienced, and Naruto came away with the skills of a developing playboy in his hips, hands, and mouth. He also came away with a phone number.

"_Hmph. Lost it to a housewife slut,_" he thought amusedly. Pocketing the lacey handkerchief, Naruto stepped out into broad daylight. A beautiful woman with hips that could kill a man sashayed past and he whistled at her appreciatively as if he didn't just come out of a raunchy sex hotel. The woman, seeing a ruffled up teenager, sneered with absolute disgust before quickly walking away. Naruto laughed out loud, and without another sway of her man killing hips, ran after her.


End file.
